Taylor Kitsch isn’t exactly having a banner year. He’s the star of one of Disney’s all-time worst box office bombs, John Carter, and now he’s leading the troops in Universal’s Battleship, which is not only one of the worst blockbusters in recent memory, but also one of the most idiotic movies I’ve ever seen. It makes John Carter look like The Godfather. It’s not that the plot is stupid – we’ve seen alien invasion movies before, and some of them are actually good – but the filmmakers seem to be the only ones who don’t realize they’re making a movie out of a damned board game. This one was dead in the water before it even left port.

(Spoilers throughout this review.)

For the purposes of brevity, I won’t fully explore how ludicrous it is that a major movie studio spent upwards of $200 million dollars making an adaptation of a board game. And not only that, but inexplicably, while adapting a freaking board game into a screenplay, the writers failed to include the one line that is actually associated with this property: “you sunk my battleship!” It’s never uttered by anyone, and with Liam Neeson playing an admiral, I shouldn’t even have to point out how much that line writes itself. In fact, the absence of that line in Battleship is actually a good indicator of the film as a whole. There are two ways to go with a movie like this: embrace the craziness and make something that’s fun and over the top with a hint of self-awareness, or make everything as dramatic and serious as possible and sap all of the fun out of it. Guess which option these filmmakers chose?

Director Peter Berg is equivalent to broken pieces of a mirror pulled from a Michael Bay afterparty, scattering Transformers reflections across the screen with half the style and none of the character. (When I’m glorifying Sam Witwicky as an interesting character in comparison to the ones in this film, you know you’re in trouble.) Battleship is an ugly movie, and Berg is ultimately the one responsible. Excessively tight close-up shots of humans collide with spinning garish metal, and the result should be evidence to the Michael Bay haters out there that despite Bay’s public persona, he’s actually a craftsman when it comes to shooting action sequences. There’s no life to be found in Berg’s cheap imitations.

There was absolutely no point in this movie which I cared what happened to any of the main characters, especially Kitsch’s rebellious “hero” Alex Hopper. The entire film is supposed to be about how he learns to become a team player so he can impress his girlfriend’s dad, but he never earns anything he gets. When the aliens attack, Hopper’s brother and a ton of other soldiers are killed and he essentially inherits control of the ship. But the hotheaded young officer has to be literally grabbed by the collar and shaken by his subordinates in order to avoid leading everyone to their deaths. He’s unlikable, entitled, and entirely void of charisma. A good actor may have been able to skate by on charisma alone, but Kitsch was handicapped even further because of a terrible script. Maybe the movie has a hidden meaning that condemns the notion of failing upward, but that would require far too much thought for this project. It’s a good thing the film doesn’t show us how Kitsch works his way up to a lieutenant in the Navy*, because even the best writers couldn’t have convinced us of this character doing anything worth rewarding.

But the best writers were busy or too expensive, so Universal hired Jon and Erich Hoeber, the brothers who wrote the geriatric spy movie RED. These two must have been raised by effing Schwarzenegger or something, because they’ve got a hard-on for the concept of old people kicking ass; this is evidenced by Battleship’s stroke of batshit crazy, laugh-out-loud insanity: a climax involving 80-year-old veterans running a battleship while AC/DC blares in the background.

I honestly don’t know where to start when addressing parts of this film that don’t make any sense, so I might as well begin with the aliens. Their motivation is never made clear, and we get a tiny glimpse of their backstory during a mindmeld with Hopper that is never referenced in the story after it occurs. They have advanced technology, which includes a Terminator-esque visual display that identifies items as safe or hostile. These readouts also make no sense, because one minute the aliens are destroying random cars full of civilians on a highway, and the next they’re taking out military bases. I understand the whole “destroying the weapons” thing, because that could be some sort of The Day The Earth Stood Still anti-weapon message…but Battleship has no message, because it has no brain with which to present it.

As with a lot of mindless blockbusters, the physics here are questionable at best. Trust me, I’m fine with that when a movie has a sense of self-awareness or even a sense of amusement at what it’s doing, but Battleship’s overly serious tone only succeeds in making everything look ridiculous. At one point, the aliens unleash a high-pitched blast that sends literal shockwaves through the bridge of a ship hundreds of yards away, causing glass to break and the soldiers on that ship to fall to the ground screaming in pain. But a lifeboat carrying the film’s main soldiers is a mere twenty feet from the source of the noise, and while they grab their ears for a second, they soon appear never the worse for wear. Even a scene in which the communications are down and our heroes have to essentially play a game of Battleship on command screens from the bowels of a destroyer is boring and forgettable. I’d have loved all of these elements if they were executed well, but that would have required a completely different set of filmmakers altogether.

The supporting cast was useless and annoying (Rihanna chief among them), and even Neeson’s presence wasn’t enough to salvage anything decent from this waterlogged disaster. For the record, Battleship also has maybe the most unnecessary post-credits sequence in cinema history, but I wouldn’t recommend waiting through to see it for yourself. Though the movie was fighting an uphill battle from the start, it really didn’t have to be this bad. Toss in the “you sunk my battleship!” line, and the entire tone of the film could have changed. It’s amazing how much power a tiny phrase has, but unfortunately Berg and his crew weren’t interested in acknowledging the absurdity of a movie based on a board game. Thank God Universal cut ties with Hasbro and jumped ship on future board game adaptations. Until next time…

*For an excellent example of a time jump from hotshot young punk to soldier, see J.J. Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek.

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Step aside, Brendan Fraser – Universal is giving The Mummy films a makeover. The studio has committed to bring the franchise back to its scary roots and hired Prometheus writer Jon Spaihts to write the reboot. More after the jump.

Variety has the news, and a quote from Spaihts about working on this project:

I see it as the sort of opportunity I had with ‘Prometheus’: to go back to a franchise’s roots in dark, scary source material, and simultaneously open it up to an epic scale we haven’t seen before.

I’m conflicted here: I don’t particularly care for this new trend of rebooting franchises that are only around ten years old, because everyone clearly still remembers the earlier version. But if you’re going to reboot it, I think taking it in an entirely different direction is the way to go, so I applaud Universal for that. As cheesy as it is, I actually really liked The Mummy from 1999, but I think Spaihts is a good choice to separate this new incarnation from the pulpy adventure of the Fraser films.

Stephen Sommers and Rob Cohen brought back the classic Universal mummy in film adaptations in the late 90s and early 2000s, and those three films have earned over a billion dollars worldwide. What do you think about a Mummy reboot?

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Ever since Die Hard changed the face of action cinema in 1988, studios have been trying to recreate that success on the big screen. Aside from the three Die Hard sequels (with a fourth on the way), there were movies that took the concept of a hero being trapped in one environment and ran it into the ground with films like like Passenger 57 (Die Hard on a plane), Speed (Die Hard on a bus), Speed 2: Cruise Control (Die Hard on a cruise ship), and The Rock (Die Hard on an island). That trend seemed to vanish in Hollywood for a while, but in the past few days, two separate studios have purchased scripts that could herald the start of a new cycle. Read on to find out about these projects.

First, The Hollywood Reporter has a story that Sony has purchased a script for a movie called White House Down from screenwriter James Vanderbilt. Nothing is really known about the plot, other than the aforementioned tonal connection to Die Hard and the Harrison Ford action flick Air Force One. Vanderbilt wrote The Amazing Spider-Man for Sony, so they’ve clearly formed a solid working relationship. His other credits include the Dwayne Johnson/Seann William Scott film The Rundown, David Fincher’s Zodiac, the upcoming Total Recall (the trailer for which just hit this weekend), and a rewrite of the upcoming RoboCop film for Jose Padilha.

And today, Deadline reported that Universal has bought a pitch from Jeremiah Friedman and Nick Palmer for a film called Speeding Bullet, which is being described as “a throwback to the Die Hard-esque 90s buddy cop movie.” Friedman and Palmer are apparently working on a remake of the Whitney Houston/Kevin Costner film The Bodyguard for Warner Bros.

Again, we’re still in the early stages on both of these, so we’ll see how they shape up. Remember: Ridley Scott’s Robin Hood was once called Nottingham and was supposed to be told completely from the sheriff’s point of view, so projects can change drastically from their initial versions to when they finally hit the big screen. What do you think about the return of the Die Hard concept to action movies? Do you want to see more, or would you rather this “trend” stop at two?

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Peter Berg’s Battleship has been catching a lot of crap from people for looking too similar to Michael Bay’s Transformers films – but then, that’s exactly what the Hasbro (the company that brought us Transformers) wants us to think. Universal is doing everything they can to evoke that robot imagery in their own movie, and this new trailer certainly does more of that.

The action is on full display here, but there’s no meaningful look at any of the characters, so for me, a lot of the robotic gnashing just feels kind of empty. Watch the trailer after the jump, and give us your thoughts in the comments below!

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Over the past few years, various iterations of a Hugh Hefner movie have been in development. All of these versions were set up at Universal, the most prominent of which had Brett Ratner to direct and Robert Downey Jr. wearing the iconic robe of the Playboy mogul. Now Deadline says the film has found a new home with the folks at Warner Bros. and a producer in the form of living legend Jerry Weintraub. More after the jump.

Weintraub previously promoted Elvis Presley, Bob Dylan, and Frank Sinatra, and eventually moved into the film industry and became a prolific producer. His work includes Soldier, The Karate Kid series, the Ocean’s Eleven franchise, and more. Now it seems he’ll bank on that old school experience to shepherd the story of how Hugh Hefner led the sexual revolution with his magazine. Weintraub refused to comment on what time of Hef’s life would be covered in the movie, and he also denied that Harry Potter writer Steve Kloves was attached, so we know almost as much about what’s NOT happening in this one as what IS happening. We’ll keep you updated with casting updates and such as they come along.

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Angelina Jolie’s directorial and screenwriting debut, In the Land of Blood and Honey, hits limited screens in a few weeks, but people have been wondering when Jolie will next be seen in-front of the camera. Disney’s Maleficent, Sony’s Cleopatra epic, and a potential Salt sequel have all had movement over recent months, but it looks like Jolie’s next film will be a thriller with Luc Besson.

According to Deadline Universal has acquired 80% of the worldwide distribution rights for the movie, which is being described as “a dramatic thriller that is rooted in true scientific elements”. Luc Besson (The Professional, La Femme Nikita and The Fifth Element) has written the script and will direct, and filming is set to begin next April.

Following this Jolie is expected to team with Ridley Scott for a historical epic about Gertrude Bell, an English writer, traveller, political officer, administrator, and archaeologist who became an influential figure in Middle East politics during the run-up to WWI. The Constant Gardener writer Jeffrey Caine is currently rewriting the script.

With Jolie now a director it will only increase the amount of projects she has in the pipeline, but at least they will keep her busy for the foreseeable future.

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It’s been quite some time since we first saw Tom Hanks lead a group of soldiers on an emotionally gripping journey through Nazi-occupied France in Saving Private Ryan, and frankly it’s one of those rare films who’s haunting images still impact me today. Well, according to THR, Hanks and Gary Goetzman, along with the pair’s Playtone production company, will be teaming up with Universal to produce the pre-WWII drama, In the Garden of Beasts.

Hanks will also possibly be starring in the adaptation of Erik Larson’s non-fiction novel, which would mean a welcomed return for the star to the tradegic era of Hitler and the Nazis, as well as yet another return to historical dramas. With Hanks producing television mini-series such as The Pacific, Band Of Brothers, and John Adams and also starring in Charlie Wilson’s War, it’s safe to say that the star is quite the history buff.

Of course with a main focus on the early days of Nazi Germany before WWII, it seems In the Garden of Beasts may be more of a dramatic character piece and less explosive battle scenes, which would mean a star like Hanks would definitely provide the dramatic punch needed to bring an already captivating plot to sophisticated heights.

Here’s the official synopsis of In the Garden of Beasts:

The time is 1933, the place, Berlin, when William E. Dodd becomes America’s first ambassador to Hitler’s Germany in a year that proved to be a turning point in history. A mild-mannered professor from Chicago, Dodd brings along his wife, son, and flamboyant daughter, Martha… Dodd watches with alarm as Jews are attacked, the press is censored, and drafts of frightening new laws begin to circulate. As that first year unfolds and the shadows deepen, the Dodds experience days full of excitement, intrigue, romance–and ultimately, horror, when a climactic spasm of violence and murder reveals Hitler’s true character and ruthless ambition.

Those of you familiar with Larson’s novels may notice that he’s also the author of The Devil In The White City, a book also getting the film treatment with another notable actor/producer at the helm- Leonardo Di Caprio. So with a devoted fan-base and large popularity, In the Garden Of Beasts could no doubt use a big star like Hanks to give it a well-needed dramatic, and respectable, treatment.

Hanks has recently been working on the Wachowski’s Cloud Atlas and Paul Greengrass’ A Captain’s Duty, with the latter being Hanks’ next appearance, set to begin shooting in February 2012. This may actually provide with a big enough window in Hanks’ schedule, making the chances for him to star in the film pretty good. Only time will tell, though, once more announcements start to circulate, but until then keep your eyes peeled because we’ll keep you posted with each update.

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When news first hit last fall that Universal is planning a remake of Scarface, it was if the world was coming to an end and the little faith most fans have left in Hollywood seemed to have been thrown out the window. And who would blame them with the original being so well loved as well as being considered one of the greatest gangster films of all time?

Well, Universal’s planned remake may have its credibility slightly renewed with the announcement that the writer of Training Day, David Ayer, will be handling the script, according to Deadline.

This announcement comes as a pleasant surprise to some and seems to go hand-in-hand with Universal’s aim to make this new version of Scarface into a story made specifically for the modern age, albeit dealing with the relevant issues and controversies that the original did so well for the 80′s.

Ayer of course isn’t just known for the gritty Training day, but has quite the reputation with urban cop/crime dramas such as The Fast and The Furious, Dark Blue, and S.W.A.T, as well as directing both Street Kings and Harsh Times (which he also wrote). So obviously the script may certainly be in good hands, and it will be definitely be interesting to see a new storyline and approach to the source material.

Ayer is known to be quite fond in Los Angeles as the starring locale, so this may be the obvious choice, which could mean a Mexican cartel of some sort may in fact be the main focus. This may actually prove to be a refreshing contrast from the original’s Miami setting and Cuban drug lord, but honestly we can speculate all day with what little we have to go on for now.

To get a small taste of Ayer’s thoughts on writing the script, check out what he had to say in an interview with Deadline below:

“This is a fantasy for me, I can still remember when I saw the film at 13 and it blew my mind, I sought it out; I went after it hard. I see it as the story of the American dream, with a character whose moral compass points in a different direction. That puts it right in my wheelhouse. I studied both the original Ben Hecht-Howard Hawks movie and the DePalma-Pacino version and found some universal themes. I’m still under the hood figuring out the wiring that will translate, but both films had a specificity of place, there was unapologetic violence, and a main character who socially scared the shit out of people, but who had his own moral code. Each was faithful to the underworld of its time. There are enough opportunities in the real world today that provide an opportunity to do this right. If it was just an attempt to remake the 1983 film, that would never work.”

So the speculations that the remake will just be a rehashing of the original can rest now that we can see that Ayer respects the original and its overall message enough to leave well enough alone and ultimately use that passion to create an entirely different story that still captures that same message.

I have no doubt that there will be still an abundant amount of sceptics out there, and even though their thoughts can be justified, we can at feel a bit of relief that we have an entirely capable writer, and who knows, maybe it really won’t be that bad (let’s hope).

So what do you think? Are you still upset that the remake is in fact being made? Or are you a little excited now that the writer has been announced? Comment below and let me know your thoughts!

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Nowadays, it’s become just an average everyday occurrence that we come to expect when Johnny Depp is given a new role to play. He’s played so many diverse characters from Captain Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of The Caribbean franchise to John Dillinger in Public Enemies, so it’s no surprise really that, according to The Hollywood Reporter, his next role will be literary icon Dr. Seuss, also known as Theodor Seuss Geisel.

Depp has played a famous writer before (shocking right?) in Finding Neverland as the man who created Peter Pan, James Matthew Barrie, so taking on Dr. Seuss will be familiar territory for him. Universal, along with their Illumination Entertainment production house, will be working on the biopic. Even though the two companies are responsible for the CGI hit Despicable Me and also working on an adaptation of Seuss’ The Lorax, don’t expect a heavily colorful and CG heavy environment a la Alice and Wonderland.

However, a few animated elements may still come into play considering Seuss is responsible for literary classics such as The Cat in The Hat, Green Eggs and Ham, and Horton Hears a Who among others. The film will also take a look at Seuss’ life before he hit children’s book fame, including his career as a magazine illustrator in the 1920s and later as a political cartoonist during World War II.

Depp seems like the perfect candidate to pull it off and his schedule continues to grow, including this year’s The Rum Diary and even as Tonto in the long-stalled The Lone Ranger, so it’s safe to say we will be seeing a lot of him for the next few years. Other than Depp producing as well, no more news regarding production details has sprouted but we’ll keep you posted when more comes about.

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Production seemed to be going smoothly on The Dark Tower, an adaptation of Stephen King’s epic book series to be directed by Ron Howard. Recent Oscar nominee Javier Bardem had recently been confirmed to lead the film, which Universal hoped would span three movies, with TV miniseries in between each film.

However news has hit the web that Universal are having second thoughts about the ambitious project (as far as the budget is concerned) and according to Deadline “Universal Pictures has put pre-production staff on hiatus as they discuss ways to bring down the budget”.

The planned September start has been delayed while Universal, director Ron Howard and writer/producer Akiva Goldsman discuss the next step. One option may be to take The Dark Tower to Warner Bros., but that’s only if Universal decides the project is too big of a risk.

The Dark Tower follows a gunslinger called Roland Deschain who is the last living member of a knightly order of gunslingers, and humanity’s last hope to save a civilization that will fall unless he finds the Dark Tower. Ron Howard says he sees the trilogy as their answer to the Peter Jackson’s Lord of the Ring trilogy, with an old West setting instead of Middle Earth.

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