Taylor Kitsch isn’t exactly having a banner year. He’s the star of one of Disney’s all-time worst box office bombs, John Carter, and now he’s leading the troops in Universal’s Battleship, which is not only one of the worst blockbusters in recent memory, but also one of the most idiotic movies I’ve ever seen. It makes John Carter look like The Godfather. It’s not that the plot is stupid – we’ve seen alien invasion movies before, and some of them are actually good – but the filmmakers seem to be the only ones who don’t realize they’re making a movie out of a damned board game. This one was dead in the water before it even left port.

(Spoilers throughout this review.)

For the purposes of brevity, I won’t fully explore how ludicrous it is that a major movie studio spent upwards of $200 million dollars making an adaptation of a board game. And not only that, but inexplicably, while adapting a freaking board game into a screenplay, the writers failed to include the one line that is actually associated with this property: “you sunk my battleship!” It’s never uttered by anyone, and with Liam Neeson playing an admiral, I shouldn’t even have to point out how much that line writes itself. In fact, the absence of that line in Battleship is actually a good indicator of the film as a whole. There are two ways to go with a movie like this: embrace the craziness and make something that’s fun and over the top with a hint of self-awareness, or make everything as dramatic and serious as possible and sap all of the fun out of it. Guess which option these filmmakers chose?

Director Peter Berg is equivalent to broken pieces of a mirror pulled from a Michael Bay afterparty, scattering Transformers reflections across the screen with half the style and none of the character. (When I’m glorifying Sam Witwicky as an interesting character in comparison to the ones in this film, you know you’re in trouble.) Battleship is an ugly movie, and Berg is ultimately the one responsible. Excessively tight close-up shots of humans collide with spinning garish metal, and the result should be evidence to the Michael Bay haters out there that despite Bay’s public persona, he’s actually a craftsman when it comes to shooting action sequences. There’s no life to be found in Berg’s cheap imitations.

There was absolutely no point in this movie which I cared what happened to any of the main characters, especially Kitsch’s rebellious “hero” Alex Hopper. The entire film is supposed to be about how he learns to become a team player so he can impress his girlfriend’s dad, but he never earns anything he gets. When the aliens attack, Hopper’s brother and a ton of other soldiers are killed and he essentially inherits control of the ship. But the hotheaded young officer has to be literally grabbed by the collar and shaken by his subordinates in order to avoid leading everyone to their deaths. He’s unlikable, entitled, and entirely void of charisma. A good actor may have been able to skate by on charisma alone, but Kitsch was handicapped even further because of a terrible script. Maybe the movie has a hidden meaning that condemns the notion of failing upward, but that would require far too much thought for this project. It’s a good thing the film doesn’t show us how Kitsch works his way up to a lieutenant in the Navy*, because even the best writers couldn’t have convinced us of this character doing anything worth rewarding.

But the best writers were busy or too expensive, so Universal hired Jon and Erich Hoeber, the brothers who wrote the geriatric spy movie RED. These two must have been raised by effing Schwarzenegger or something, because they’ve got a hard-on for the concept of old people kicking ass; this is evidenced by Battleship’s stroke of batshit crazy, laugh-out-loud insanity: a climax involving 80-year-old veterans running a battleship while AC/DC blares in the background.

I honestly don’t know where to start when addressing parts of this film that don’t make any sense, so I might as well begin with the aliens. Their motivation is never made clear, and we get a tiny glimpse of their backstory during a mindmeld with Hopper that is never referenced in the story after it occurs. They have advanced technology, which includes a Terminator-esque visual display that identifies items as safe or hostile. These readouts also make no sense, because one minute the aliens are destroying random cars full of civilians on a highway, and the next they’re taking out military bases. I understand the whole “destroying the weapons” thing, because that could be some sort of The Day The Earth Stood Still anti-weapon message…but Battleship has no message, because it has no brain with which to present it.

As with a lot of mindless blockbusters, the physics here are questionable at best. Trust me, I’m fine with that when a movie has a sense of self-awareness or even a sense of amusement at what it’s doing, but Battleship’s overly serious tone only succeeds in making everything look ridiculous. At one point, the aliens unleash a high-pitched blast that sends literal shockwaves through the bridge of a ship hundreds of yards away, causing glass to break and the soldiers on that ship to fall to the ground screaming in pain. But a lifeboat carrying the film’s main soldiers is a mere twenty feet from the source of the noise, and while they grab their ears for a second, they soon appear never the worse for wear. Even a scene in which the communications are down and our heroes have to essentially play a game of Battleship on command screens from the bowels of a destroyer is boring and forgettable. I’d have loved all of these elements if they were executed well, but that would have required a completely different set of filmmakers altogether.

The supporting cast was useless and annoying (Rihanna chief among them), and even Neeson’s presence wasn’t enough to salvage anything decent from this waterlogged disaster. For the record, Battleship also has maybe the most unnecessary post-credits sequence in cinema history, but I wouldn’t recommend waiting through to see it for yourself. Though the movie was fighting an uphill battle from the start, it really didn’t have to be this bad. Toss in the “you sunk my battleship!” line, and the entire tone of the film could have changed. It’s amazing how much power a tiny phrase has, but unfortunately Berg and his crew weren’t interested in acknowledging the absurdity of a movie based on a board game. Thank God Universal cut ties with Hasbro and jumped ship on future board game adaptations. Until next time…

*For an excellent example of a time jump from hotshot young punk to soldier, see J.J. Abrams’ 2009 Star Trek.

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Universal Pictures has today released the first official trailer for Battleship, the movie based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game.

People seem to have been against this movie from the beginning, mainly because it’s based on a board game. The casting of models and singers in lead roles suggested they weren’t taking the movie seriously, and from the looks of this trailer neither should we.

Watch below:

Peter Berg (Hancock) produces and directs Battleship, an epic action-adventure that unfolds across the seas, in the skies and over land as our planet fights for survival against a superior force. Based on Hasbro’s classic naval combat game, Battleship stars Taylor Kitsch as Lt. Alex Hopper, a Naval officer assigned to the USS John Paul Jones; Brooklyn Decker as Sam Shane, a physical therapist and Hopper’s fiancée; Alexander SkarsgÃ¥rd as Hopper’s older brother, Stone, Commanding Officer of the USS Sampson; Rihanna as Petty Officer Raikes, Hopper’s crewmate and a weapons specialist on the USS John Paul Jones; and international superstar Liam Neeson as Hopper and Stone’s superior (and Sam’s father), Admiral Shane.

Battleship opens fire on May 18th, 2012.

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Liam Neeson has been appearing in a few blockbusters recently, such as Clash of the Titans and The A-Team, and he’s just signed up for another one. According to Deadline the actor will be lending his acting prestige to Peter Berg’s Battleship, meaning the cast no longer looks like that of a music video.

So far the cast includes Taylor Kitsch, Alexander Skarsgard, Pop/R&B singer Rihanna and Victoria Secret model Brooklyn Decker.

In the film Neeson plays Admiral Shane, whose daughter (Decker) is engaged to a young naval officer (Kitsch). Skarsgard will play Kitsch’s brother, a straight and narrow naval officer whom Kitsch idolizes. Rihanna plays a weapons specialist.

Battleship is based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game, however as two hours of sea vessels firing at each other wouldn’t be that interesting they have added an alien invasion element to the story. In the script an international fleet joins together to battle a water-bound armada of alien invaders.

The release date is currently set for June 18, 2012, and filming is currently under-way in Hawaii.

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With each casting announcement for Peter Berg’s Battleship we get a better idea about what type of movie it will be. At the moment it looks like a $200 million dollar music video. Taylor Kitsch and Alexander Skarsgard are part of a new breed of upcoming actors with Kitsch leading John Carter of Mars for Disney and Skarsgard narrowly missing out on playing Thor, so I can understand why they were given leading roles.

But then Pop/R&B singer Rihanna was cast last month, and now according to Latino Review Victoria Secret model Brooklyn Decker has landed the role of Taylor Kitsch’s love interest. Apparently no actual actresses are required for this movie.

Brooklyn Decker was on the short list of models Michael Bay considered to replace Megan Fox in Transformers 3, a role that went to Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. There have been many models who have made a career out of acting, and good for them, I just prefer trained actresses winning roles instead of T and A who look good on movie posters.

Battleship is based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game, however as two hours of sea vessels firing at each other wouldn’t be that interesting they have added an alien invasion element to the story. In the script an international fleet joins together to battle a water-bound armada of alien invaders. Skarsgard will play Kitsch’s brother, a straight and narrow naval officer whom Kitsch, a wildly spirited naval officer, idolizes.

The release date is currently set for June 18, 2012, with filming set to begin this month in Hawaii.

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Pop/R&B singer Rihanna will join Alexander Skarsgard and Taylor Kitsch in Universal’s Battleship according to Variety.

No word on who Rihanna will be playing, although it doesn’t really matter. Director Peter Berg hasn’t cast her because she suits a particular role. Rihanna was likely hired for marketing purposes.

The movie is based on Hasbro’s naval combat board game, however as two hours of sea vessels firing at each other wouldn’t be that interesting they have added an alien invasion element to the story. In the script an international fleet joins together to battle a water-bound armada of alien invaders. Skarsgard will play Kitsch’s brother, a straight and narrow naval officer whom Kitsch, a wildly spirited naval officer, idolizes.

The release date is currently set for June 18, 2012, with filming set to begin in August in Hawaii.

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Alexander Skarsgard, who is best known for his role in True Blood and came thisclose to playing Thor, will be joining Taylor Kitsch in Peter Berg’s Battleship. Heat Vision say Skarsgard will play Kitsch’s brother, a straight and narrow naval officer whom Kitsch, a wildly spirited naval officer, idolizes.

Battleship is based on the well known Hasbro board game, however as two hours of sea vessels firing at each other wouldn’t be that interesting they have added an alien invasion element to the story. In the script an international fleet joins together to battle a water-bound armada of alien invaders.

The release date is currently set for June 18, 2012, with filming set to begin in August in Hawaii.

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Taylor Kitsch, who we saw last summer as Gambit in X-Men Origins: Wolverine, has signed up to play the lead in Universal’s Battleship (that movie based on the board game). Kitsch will play a Naval commander named Alex Hopper, described as “wildly spirited” and “a great seaman but a lousy politician.” The Hurt Locker actor Jeremy Renner was previously in talks for the role but scheduling conflicts caused him to pull out.

This is another lead role Kitsch has landed following his role as the card thrower last year. He is currently filming John Carter of Mars under the direction of Andrew Stanton for Disney, and now it looks like he will be having more adventures with otherworldly beings as Battleship sees an international fleet come together to battle a water-bound armada of alien invaders.

Peter Berg (Hancock) will be directing and the release date is currently set for Memorial Day 2012.

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Jeremy Renner’s breakout and Oscar-nominated performance in The Hurt Locker has piqued the collective interest of film fans worldwide. So what will the actor do next?

The New York Times brings word [via The Playlist] that Renner is choosing between Peter Berg’s (Hancock, The Kingdom, The Rundown) board game adaptation Battleship or an undisclosed movie for which he’s had “no less than five meetings.” The actor will choose between the two projects soon; both are expected to begin shooting this summer.

But one thing we know for sure: Renner will suit up for director James McTeigue’s (V For Vendetta, Ninja Assassin) latest indie project, Raven. The plot synopsis is as follows:

[Raven is] a fictionalized account of the final five “mysterious” days of Edgar Allen Poe’s life. Apparently the famous writer joins the hunt for a serial killer whose murders are inspired by his stories. McTeigue described the film: It’s like the poem, The Raven, itself, crossed with Se7en. It should be pretty cool. The script is really good and everyone responds to it really well.

Ewan McGregor is in talks to co-star with Renner in Raven, and I don’t know about you, but no amount of ninja assassins could sway my interest from this project. At this point, it’s unclear what parts the two actors would play in the film, but they are both high quality actors in an interesting-sounding story, so I’m sold regardless. Does this project interest you? What do you think about Renner’s potential involvement in Berg’s Battleship?

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Last month Columbia hired two writers to start writing Hancock 2, and now director Peter Berg has confirmed that both Will Smith and Charlize Theron will be back for the sequel.

In a conversation before he heads to the Toronto film festival with a Wayne Gretzky documentary, Berg confirmed for MTV News that both Smith and Theron will certainly be returning for more “Hancock” hero-dom.

“Everybody’s going to come back for a sequel,” Berg said in response to a question about the two megastars.

If you didn’t see the first film and don’t want to be spoiled then stop reading now. At the end of the first film it turned out that both Smith and Theron’s characters are immortal gods who become vulnerable when near each other. Berg has said recently that he we can expect the appearance of at least one more all-powerful god in the sequel, and he already has his eye on who he wants to play him/her.

“We have [someone in mind],” Berg said. “I’m not gonna tell you who, but we have!”

It’ll still be a while before we see Hancock 2 but it’s cool that the main cast are returning (although we expected Smith to return anyway).

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Less than a week ago director Peter Berg said that “Will’s busy [and] I’m pretty busy” however they were “excited to do [Hancock 2], but [they] want the script to be right and the movie to be right.”

Well Columbia must have been listening, as according to THR they’ve hired Adam Fierro and Glen Mazzara to write Hancock 2. Plot details are being kept under wraps, though they will work with Smith and director Peter Berg to build on the world hinted at in the first movie. Berg said last week that “there might be another god out there”, so we’ll probably get another A-list actor in a suit.

As Berg and Smith are busy it’ll probably be a few years before we see Hancock 2, but at least they’ve started working on it.

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